Posted by CuddlyDad on March 03, 2009 at 09:45 [68.82.212.218]
In Reply to: Trust issues, how to get over them, and how a dadd posted by Abigail on March 03, 2009 at 00:36
You've touched on serious questions. The daddy/lg dynamic is a structure. The traditional 1950s husband/wife dynamic is a structure. Courtship is a structure. The structures provide an avenue for connecting. If we find a structure that enables a very deep (for us) connection, then we find satisfaction. For me, the daddy/lg dynamic touches me very deeply and enables a deep connection. It seems to be that way for you also. But the deep connection can be something like a soda straw - yes, it goes deep, but it's not very wide! When we step outside the structure, we might see someone that we're totally unsuited to, or a complete stranger. I love being a daddy, and I'm looking for my full-time babygirl, but it's not so easy reconciling my daddy/lg needs with my needs for an equal companion and friend and my expectations of introducibility.
I don't see deep problems in you or your situation that are much different from mine or other people's. That doesn't mean "no problems", it means we're all in the same boat. That boat is simply the boat of normal human problems, such as "What can I reasonably expect to get from this person?" and "Can I really get all my needs met from (any) one person?".
In my view, your relationship with Daddy #1 was perfectly fine. It was genuine and deeply felt. But it was the soda straw. There was nothing wrong with it, it just wasn't enough to keep two people together. (You didn't say if he was married - possible BIG problem there.) Daddy #2 was different. IMHO Daddy #2 was not so great because he talked about previous relationships with you, particularly the sexual part. This is a BIG no-no in my book! When someone says that, it instantly becomes an expectation of you, and what an intimate and heavy expectation! You bought into it out of good will, but you learned that notwithstanding the good will, it was still dishonest of yourself to do it, and you had to clean up a small mess afterwards. Every human being we meet is a complete and beautiful universe in themselves, and when we're with that person or thinking about them, they are our universe, and previous relationships should be mentioned only if absolutely unavoidable, and then only in the least possible manner. Complaints about the past are mostly burdensome expectations dropped heavily on the new person, who did not ask for them. Do you have anxieties over commitment and adult sexuality? Yes, you do, but so do I, and so does the rest of the human race, and that's why we have courtship. When we put the soda straw of daddy/lg deep into the milkshake, man is it good!! But that particular structure by itself doesn't give breadth, and so venturing out of the daddy/lg is frightening because we truly don't know the person. I love daddy/lg, with diapers, because for me that's the absolute deepest and goes to the very bottom (so to speak). And, like you, I have anxieties over adult sex, so daddy/lg provides a happy cover story. If I change my babygirl's diaper, of course that's not sexual, so I don't feel guilty. But I'm already there, and I just can't help observing how beautiful my babygirl's body is, and of course I have to clean her up, but maybe I might touch just a little bit longer or more than I would absolutely have to... and Daddy's aren't perfect, we know that,... and so perhaps Daddy gets carried away just a little... etc etc and you know exactly where this is going. I know it's sex, babygirl knows it's sex, but because of our little hangups it goes an awful lot better with a little cover story. So we are adults, we talk about this, we understand this, we agree on this, and then we giggle and damn isn't it time for a diaper check?? Daddy just needs to reach in for a quick check hmm seems OK just check a little more, and 15 minutes later everything checks out fine and babygirl has a big smile and is this really so awful?? And there are people who would look me up in the DSM under infantilism, and that's fine, they're allowed to do that, but the problem is that while they are scowling at the DSM pages I am delicately and softly exploring my babygirl's secrets, and so, like, who is the winner and who is the loser here??
So do you have problems? yeah, you do, so hugs and welcome!!!
I didn't know you had an e-penis! What does it look like? Do I have an e-vagina?? If not, I want one!!
Email: tonyhd383-src@yahoo.com