Posted by kalory on October 05, 2003 at 16:59 [205.188.209.71]
It has been a while since I really needed to use diapers as a buffer against some emotions that I really don't want to feel ... but wow I have not loved being an ab like I have today in what seems like a lifetime ago.
It really started a few days ago and progressed slowly, which is out of the ordinary. Usually when I start to feel anxious or depressed it comes on suddenly and overwhelmingly interupts everything. Of course, there are times everyday that a need for the smell of my blanket or the pacifying effect of my thumb/nukie gives me the dose I want so I can carry on the task of getting through school ... one exam at a time. Today was a little different...
Actually I got a lot accomplished: laundry, washed my truck, organized all my notebooks ((around half way through the semester they tend to get dishuffled)), I completed my homework and studied for the 3 exams I have coming up this week ((an on going thing)), and I found my remote! It has been lost for like 2 weeks.
Well, I kept hearing this voice in my head ((not literally)); I was degrading myself with each hour that passed. I do this offen, but this was more like punishment for not doing things faster, better, or even that they should not have to be done at all if I had kept up with maintaining things like I should have. I didn't want to do this to myself, but there it was anyway.
The odd part was I was also feeling proud of myself at the same time. I have come so far with school, yet I don't feel like it is ever good enough. There is always that lazy few hours I spent writing diaper stories, or watching cartoons, or sleeping...lol. I want to have the disipline to work hard now and play later; be the type of person to have control over my lazy nature; be able to ignore what I want to do and accomplish what I have to do...
Well, these things were all conflicting the way I was feeling ... happy - mad; sad - frustrated; laughing - sniveling. I had enough, so I stopped what I was doing, put on my footed sleeper ((my diaper still had a few more hours of wear left)), tucked my blankie under my arm ((having been washed it felt so much better)), got out my favorite toys and just played. I shut off my mind as much as I could; the more I concentrated on having fun the more I felt stable and happy. It was like magic ... yep diapers, toys and blankies are definitly magic.
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