Posted by tisha on June 16, 2005 at 13:21 [71.115.221.160]
Okay.. so I met someone on line that has been great to talk to (no nothing like that.. just is just a really nice guy). He had been lacing normal conversations with little things like “patting the area where a diaper should be” and I’d laugh at him. So freggin persistent, and in the middle of chatty topics, right smack dab where its seem obviously out of place for such a comment..lol So it always caught me off guard and made me giggle and shake my head at him, right?
Well yesterday…. I caved. For some reason I *needed* to try it. I had talked to a million people about why diapers, what about them, why Daddy’s like girls wearing them, why do they like the sight of them on her, how do they feel, ect. I always figured I would like cloth and hate the feel of disposable, the softness they would give and the added personal feel. Not clinical and sterile and crinkley and bulky. But of course when that urge strikes you go with what is the easiest and fastest and…. Sighs
I had that friend walk me through the mental crap I wrestled with at first:
Q. The feelings of stupidity, here I am a grown woman, wearing a diaper and I don’t have some kind of physical need for it.. I’m choosing to? How messed up in the head am I, really? A. No more messed up than anyone else in the world, that is why it is seen as a fetish or a kink.. something other than societies average…..doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it.
Q. Am I really that much of a sheep? What, I read about other people and then suddenly I need to try it? A. No.. it wasn’t that.. I had been curious for a long time I just never took that step, I never had that encouragement before, never had that support before, and certainly never had a partner that said.. go on.. try it.
There were more things that went through my mind, but they all surrounded the idea that others would think I was weak and nasty for wanting to be in that ‘space’, and that I would be incredibly rejected. I have never felt rejected before in my life. I have always been the one that everyone wants a part of because I think and look at life very different from most people. Of course being incredibly cute and charismatic helps. ;) At times it would make me feel pushed into a corner and I would shut everyone out, because sometimes it felt like everyone wanted a piece of what and who they thought I was, while not knowing my deep dark secrets, thoughts, wants, dreams, and desires.
This friend held my hand and reassured away those haunts of crap that scraped through my mind here or there. For that.. I definitely need to thank him.
Now, being the kind of person that I am, I could not see any kind of logic in wearing one and then discarding it after a couple of hours just because I was done. They are for a purpose, right? One cannot throw away a perfectly good item. So I resolved myself to the fact that I would have to wet it before I could think it was okay to discard it, right?
I mean.. as it was.. simply wearing it made me feel much younger than I was ever used to slipping. Of course that friend made things worse by giving me a bottle, virtually of course, but it still made my mind slip deeper…. The ass hole..lol Feeling that cradle against my parts drove me insane and the naughty little images of possibilities of what a Daddy might do to help his little girl truly enjoy that space, and wearing a diaper, drove me to the point that I NEEDED to masturbate. Again, purely logical right? But OHMYGOOSSES .. wow.. intense. Mostly, I think, because I was in that much younger headspace. So already that diaper was… unfit for simply slipping off and wearing again later.
Though.. I had to run errands. I had to pick someone up, and drop off a bill, ect.
So I wore it out. Wow.. when I decide to ‘go there’ with something, I apparently don’t play around with it. So, yeah. I had on a pair of jeans and a v-neck t-shirt, hair in a pony tail that sat high on my head.. I looked so cute..lol It was my little secret from the universe that I was actually wearing a diaper… it made me blush a little here and there, and made me giggle to myself (sometimes aloud) when guys would make a flirtatious comment to me, as per usual. If only they knew, right? I thought it was truly outrageous.
It had me in this bobbling state of deviant teenager, and little girl trying so hard to be a big girl, mentally. On my way home, at a red light, I used the diaper for the intended purpose. What an odd thing. First was the rush of warm that just.. wow. Instantly my girl parts responded again – I had not been ready for that. The texture or feeling of the diaper changed quite a bit… it was gushy. So strange.
When I got out of the car and walked to my house I HATED IT. It was bulky, got my thighs damp, and it was getting cold. Yuck. Then I got angry. I wasn’t supposed to be exploring that alone. I was supposed to be with a Daddy. WHERE THE HELL WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM? Now, I had to take it off myself, shower, dispose of it, and wash my britches…… by myself. No encouragement, no congratulations, no one proud of me for having tried ALL THAT!
Suddenly I felt very grumpy, very alone, very stupid, and very… well… grrr, ya know? I curled up on my couch with my teddy bear and cried.
So, now I am not sure where my head is at. I don’t want to feel that again. Maybe its just part of the process. Maybe its all baby steps. Maybe I will try it again in little bits and pieces instead of so much at one time. Maybe I will learn how to concentrate on the cool parts about it first and get comfortable with those aspects, and maybe little by little the rest will come and I won’t feel so… crappy. One step at a time? I don’t know.
*shrugs*
Email: tisha8@gmail.com