Posted by tisha on May 10, 2005 at 16:02 [4.4.78.235]
Not sure why I am posting. I guess something inside me me felt that I needed to. I don't know what I want out of this contact, but apparently I needed to make said contact... so here goes, my introduction:
I notice that though I know full well about the little girl areas of my personality, I also know that it is a very dangerous head space for me at this time in my life.
When I feel like a fragile little girl that wants to curl up in someone's lap and just be treasured, I am too trusting, and I see the little one inside of me as a weakness. I get so over-emotional and desperate to cling onto that person and hope and pray that they will keep me safe, even if it
is from myself. I am not the kind of person that is very comfortable sharing my fears, secret dreams, true stripped
emotions, and needs well.
I am very dominant by nature, and struggle with giving someone else that much power within my world. Maybe it is simply the fear of letting someone see those things about myself that I never let others see, muchless admit to myself about - that I am not an island with 5 mile high
walls build around me and only I control who I let in and how deep.
Maybe I am still unable to admit that sometimes I want to release everything, that I want someone there to release everything TO.
Few and far between do I cry out for another person to be that for me, when I do I get very scared of myself and of them when they get "too" close. I dive deeply into the
other areas of my life and become "too busy" to take time within that head space and push it further and further away from me, in turn pushing those people that had been incredible away.
Because I know this about myself, and I feel that it is highly unfair to anyone else that tries to enter a relationship of this nature with me, I choose to mostly..
ignore it. Perhaps there will be a time in my life, or I will meet someone, when I will feel much safer or that my need of it will overcome my instinct to shut it down and I will for the first time learn/see what it can be like.
Until then, little bits slip out, my "safe" bits that I let surface. The way I become hyper talking about certain toys or games, or the occational snippy little brat, giggley little shyness, or spunky "I can take on the world" moments of mine.
I have never allowed myself to get into a VERY young head space. I range usually between the ages of 4 and 14. At every range though there is underlying sexual needs, however every "Adult" I have met within this interest has either been boarderline rape personalities where they think that every encounter with me will result in perverted/kinky little sex games, or the type that has the mindset that this is a CHILD and sexual tension or more is completely disgusting..... moreso the first type is found though (yuck).
It is a fine balance, isnt it?
So, hello. I am tish. I can't promise that I will be very active, but I have been reading a lot over the last month, trying to get a little bit of a feel for the place and people within it. I am not sure I 'fit' here.. shrug. I am not invovled with any e-lists or anyother sites though I have tried a couple in the past and was dissapointed with them. Though it has been over a year since I went public with any of these feelings/emotions/wants/desires.
Nice to meet you guys,
tisha
Email: tisha8@gmail.com