Posted by lauren on May 04, 2005 at 08:28 [80.43.121.174]
Okay I told him a little how I feel, I couldn't hold back any longer, I was hidding it from him and was full of guilt. I felt so nervous, he just looked at me (a really blank stare) got up, went to his car and drove off. I must have cried for the full two hours he was gone. Anyway I made dinner for him returning, but he took no notice of me, so I ate alone.
Later on he finally spoke, he asked me why could I not be normal? like everyone else around us. I swear my heart must have hit the floor with a bang and I just burst out crying again, so he told me just to cry it all out and we would talk before bed.
He asked me just to try and forget these feelings and maybe I have them because I am just worried about college, I told him how I've had them for a while now and I cannot forget them, He thinks the idea of a 'daddy' relationship is sick and if this is what I really want then perhaps I just find someone else who shares the same 'sick' ideas.
The whole night he didn't cuddle me once I swear I felt horrible, it is pointless, not have I only made myself feel far worse, but I can't even look him in the eye, and it won't be the same again, I feel terrible, I am so stupid, sorry for going on a bit, I just had to get it out