Posted by Zorro Daddy on May 09, 2010 at 22:00 [174.59.253.194]
Entry Eight - October 16th
Dear Diary,
I’m sorry for not writing to you for a few days, but I’ve been kind of busy being sick and then recovering from it.
I was in Lancaster General Hospital for five days as I recovered from bronchitis. The chemo I receive for my Hodgkin’s lowers my immune system and makes it really easy for me to get sick. What started as a simple cold soon became an upper respiratory infection that turned into bronchitis.
As best as Zeke can figure out, I got sick when we visited my Grandmother two weekends ago. Grammy is 86 years old and lives at the Autumn House nursing home in York, PA. She is that old and doesn’t take a single pill of medication. She’s simply unable to live by herself safely. Her mind is still really sharp and she always boasts that she never had a cavity in her life. She also didn’t need braces in her life and still has pearly white teeth. I feel bad for her that she has to live there, but she seems happy and is relieved that she’s some place safe where she will be taken care of.
I know the feeling and share the sentiment with her. My safe place is with Zeke. When I’m not with him, I’m lonely and get scared at the slightest things. I don’t always have to be wrapped up inside his arms, but I do need him near me, to watch over me and protect me. Having his love has given me the will to fight my sickness. I get my strength from him.
When we visit Grammy, I eventually wind up on her lap, curled up in a ball. She holds me and rocks me in a way that Zeke isn’t able to. That doesn’t mean that Zeke does a bad job. It simply means that Zeke doesn’t have a woman’s touch about it, or in this case, a Grammy’s touch.
This visit was no different. In a matter of minutes, I was curled up on her lap. My head was nestled on her shoulder and Grammy was humming the same lull-a-bye she would put me to sleep with when she would babysit me when I was little. As she hummed she gently rocked me back and forth while patting my diapered bottom.
Not only is Grammy’s mind still sharp, she’s not stupid, either. Hodgkin’s disease was the excuse I gave for always wearing a diaper. But the look in my eyes and my behavior tells her the truth. Grammy doesn’t question it because she also sees how happy I am.
Grammy can see my soul when she looks in my eyes and I’ve always been able to talk to her about everything. I love her so much.
I fell asleep on her lap on that day. It wasn’t the first time and I hope it isn’t the last. Sometimes I’ll wake up in her arms. Other times I’ll wake up in Zeke’s arms. But I always wake up with a smile.
On that particular visit, I woke up on Grammy’s bed. Zeke was unfastening my diaper which I had wet. He told me that Grammy had all ready begun making her way out to lunch in the dining room.
I had never had my diaper changed in Grammy’s room before. I looked around the room and saw her furniture and things. And even though it was Zeke changing me, it brought back memories of Grammy changing me after a nap when I used to spend weekends with her when I was little.
The door had been left open and anyone who walked by would see me getting changed. But I didn’t worry about that. I rarely have those worries anymore. And it wasn’t because I had a sickness or because of any other similar reason that made me comfortable with being seen. It was because I was surrounded with love and because it was all familiar to me. Zeke was using the same delicate care that he always did as he lifted me legs and bottom in the air to clean me.
I looked over at Grammy’s nightstand and saw the metronome she always kept by her bed side. She told me the simple ticking of it always helped her to get to sleep, to stay asleep and to sleep well.
As Zeke lowered my legs and bottom back down onto the bed, he gave me a loving smile. The warm mid-day sunshine came through her window and shone down on him. He looked like an angel in the sunlight. I don’t know if he was an angel, but he was definitely a God-send in my life.
He fastened my diaper into place, helped me to my feet and straightened out the dress I had on. I always wore a dress when I visited Grammy. She always said a girl should wear a dress whenever possible because a girl’s figure was made for a dress and there was nothing wrong with dressing to show your figure.
Zeke led me by the hand out of her room and down the hallway to the dining room. My mind was in “little” mode and I followed him like a lost child who needed guidance and direction. I am always more aware of being in a diaper right after I’ve been changed because it’s new and makes a lot more noise than after I’ve been wearing it for a while.
The nursing home atmosphere was very inviting and calm. My surroundings mixed with Zeke’s presence as well as Grammy’s presence had me longing for a high chair, a bib and a sippy cup. If I could’ve been a baby at that moment, I would’ve without a bit of hesitation. If the offer were made to me or if Zeke decided to make me a baby, I would’ve done it. I wanted to do, but it wouldn’t have been appropriate and I thought better of it.
We had lunch with Grammy and then said goodbye and left. The moment we walked out into the cold October air, I felt a chill, but thought nothing of it.
As I soon found out, I should’ve been concerned by that chill because Grammy had a cold and as I slept in her arms, I must’ve breathed it in. By the end of the next day, I had a cold myself. And by the morning after that, I had it in my chest.
Zeke took me to the doctor’s that afternoon and once they examined me and saw I had Hodgkin’s disease, they immediately sent me to Lancaster General Hospital. As I found out, my cold had caused an upper respiratory infection and because it was bacterial, it quickly had become bronchitis.
I was infectious and because of this I was made to stay in Lancaster General Hospital for five days. After the first day, the antibiotics had stopped the airborne effect and I could have visitors.
I remained in that hospital bed for five days. I had all kinds of IVs in my arms and didn’t get out of bed once. The games of hiding the AB in me had to be put to the side, momentarily, until I got better. I opted for diapers instead of a catheter (obviously and for more reasons than one).
Zeke visited me every day and spent so much time at my bed side I thought they might have gotten confused as to whether he was a patient himself.
When they released me on the fifth day, I was bouncing up and down with excitement to get out of that place. And as we got on the elevator, my little girl side returned. I was feeling better and all I wanted was to have fun and not think about anything other than being a baby.
When we got to Zeke’s car, there was a surprise waiting for me inside … He had brought Pretzel with him to greet me! I could tell she was as excited to see me as I was to see her. The past few days must have been confusing for her as to where I had gone.
Almost immediately after we got her, Zeke allowed Pretzel to sleep with me in my crib during naps and at bed time. When he changed my diaper at 3 am every night, he took her outside to go potty, too. On nights when he allowed me to sleep in his bed with him, Pretzel laid at the foot of the bed. But usually by morning, she had crawled up between us and found a spot to lie.
My first morning home, I played with Pretzel in the living room while watching cartoons. I was lying on my back on my baby blanket, watching the TV and she ran up to me and started licking my face. I tossed back and forth, trying to avoid her licks. But she ran from side to side of my head and kept licking. Then I started laughing and the pacifier fell from my mouth. Pretzel immediately picked it up with her mouth and ran under the couch so she could chew on it. She must have ruined a dozen of my pacifiers all ready that way. I joked that maybe Pretzel was an AB-at-heart, too. LOL
For several days, I didn’t leave the apartment. I stayed there and made certain that my bronchitis was gone.
Oh yeah! BTW … I got word from the newspaper that they’d like to start my special column soon. I think I am going to call the series of articles I write: “Lily’s Diary”, but I won’t put any AB or baby stuff in it. Just how I’m doing and how I’m dealing with my illness.
Anyways, …..
This morning, I finally left the apartment after what seemed like forever and we took Pretzel to Long’s Park for a walk. Zeke had bundled me up heavily because it was just getting colder and colder each day. The warmth of autumn days has been reduced to just a few hours in the afternoon and I get cold easily. Plus, I didn’t want to get bronchitis again. One time was plenty enough for me thank you very much. So we didn’t stay out for long. But I wanted to take Pretzel to the park so we went. And besides, Zeke said that a little fresh air would do me good.
As we drove away from the park, Pretzel started her usual panicked routine. It’s funny watching her during a car ride. She starts out in my lap in the passenger’s seat. Then right away as we start moving, she frantically runs from the driver’s window to the passenger’s window, putting her front paws on the arm rest and trying to figure out why everything is moving so quickly out there. She runs from one window to the other over and over. I wish she could understand that it’s okay and she’s safe.
We spent the remainder of the afternoon driving around looking at the autumn leaves in Lancaster. From as far south as Quarryville and Little Britain to as far north as Lititz and even Shaefferstown, the countryside has become a beautiful mixture of rich colors. Some of the back roads seem like they were taken straight from a picture book.
Along the way, Zeke stopped several times so I could collect one leaf of every color. I found deep red, yellow, orange, and a purplish one. I don’t know what I’ll do with them, but finding a purpose for them wasn’t the point. It was more important for me to just be able to gather them. It was simple fun and I enjoyed being silly about it.
We headed home to get me out of the cold and to get dinner which turned out to be: nuggets and fries!! Sitting at the coffee table in front of the couch, we watched TV as we ate. It was a less-than-fancy meal, but it was one of my favorites. Dinner doesn’t always have to be such a fuss. Sometimes simpler is better and dinner tonight called for just that.
Pretzel eats dinner at the same time as we do. Zeke and I have decided to make her food instead of buying it by the can. So, part of our groceries every week are the meats and vegetables needed to make her meal. We usually cook up enough for two or three days at a time and store it in the fridge.
But Pretzel eats her food so fast, I worry she’ll get sick. She was the runt of her litter and is so tiny. I wish she would slow down when she eats.
Dinner ended, the dishes went into the sink and back into the nursery we went. He stripped me naked, head to toe, leaving me in just my diaper. I had no idea why. But this was always exciting for me. It told me he had planned something.
He carried me into the living room, put me down on the couch and walked back into my nursery. I could hear him getting things out of my closet. So I sat there cross-legged and played with my pigtails while patiently awaiting his return.
He walked back with a pile of clothing and that confirmed it for me: We were headed on a trip tonight.
My outfit was quite cute. And it made me smile that he was able to put it together.
He dressed me in a white onesie. Then he put me in a short flouncy skirt I had bought about a week ago. It was white with a mixture of light brown and orange horizontal stripes. It reminded me of the colors of fall. Next, he dressed me in my favorite one of his white button down shirts and he insisted that I would get cold unless I wore a pair of white nylon leggings.
I tried not to laugh at the suggestion because he was so sincere about it, but I have to be honest. It was really tough to keep a straight face as he slid these leggings over my feet, up my calves and onto my thighs. They weren’t a full pair of nylons. Just the kind that made it up to the mid-thigh area. Around the ankles, the edges of these nylons were adorned with lace.
(I remember when I bought them about a year ago. I thought I’d never wear them, but even though they were even more white on an all ready lightly colored outfit, they completed the look. And he was so proud of himself. LOL)
A simple pair of leather flat shoes were slipped on my feet and he was done. I was definitely a statement for saving the earth and going green.
I’m picking on him a little, I know, but the outfit did look nice and I had no problem wearing it out into public. But I had no idea where we were going yet. I added a necklace and some light make-up just so I could say I had something to do with getting myself ready.
So finally I was dressed and we were out the door and on our way. And what we did this evening was kind of like a dream come true. For weeks on end now, I had been asking Zeke if we could attend an ABDL munch or maybe just meet another ABDL couple. Right?
Well … tonight Zeke took me to an ABDL munch at a café in center city. Everybody was dressed in plain clothing and appeared to be nothing more than vanilla friends meeting each other for coffee. But our discussions were definitely ABDL.
There were four Daddy/BabyGirl couples who attended. At first, we stayed as one big table and went around introducing ourselves. This gave us all a chance to get comfortable with everyone’s company. Shortly after, we separated into a Daddy table and a BabyGirl table.
The Daddies of the group were dressed quite casually. And we could tell that they were talking about stupid football. But at our table, we started talking about how much we loved our roles in ABDL. Within a few minutes of whispered chattering, we got to know one another really well. We shared our “must haves”, “can’t stands” and “long fors”.
All us BabyGirls took a little more time in dressing up than the Daddies did. Our styles ranged from quite casual to quite babyish to “cocktail party-ready”. We were all very submissive, but each of us had our own take on what ABDL meant to us and we each lived it to different degrees. We became friends with each other quickly and I was having so much fun talking with them about our “little secrets”.
The one girl, Heather, wore her hair down on her shoulders and she didn’t have any make-up on (aside from foundation). She said she didn’t like it. (To each their own, I guess.) But she had these cute little sunflower earrings in her ears, an even cuter yellow baby-t with super short sleeves, a pair of baby blue bib overalls and white sneakers. She was adorable and was really happy.
I have to admit I was a little worried about talking with her when I met her. Sometimes girls with a bigger figure go into length about what they don’t like about their figures when they discuss outfits with others. It can be a really uncomfortable situation to be in if you ever find yourself on the other end of a conversation like that. I never know what to say. But Heather never brought her size up in our talk. She simply said that she looked hard to find outfits to wear which she felt comfortable in. And the smile on her face was genuine. She was a really sweet girl and I enjoyed her company. She made me happy, too.
Heather lived as an AB in a 24/7 fashion (sort of). You see, she was taken care of, regarded and treated like a BabyGirl all the time in private, but only took the AB-ish outfits into public – never the personality or behavior. And her husband was a bigger guy who was very nice. She said he was very kind to her. I bet they make a nice couple.
Heather doesn’t work, but instead remains a stay-at-home housewife. They both want children and have decided to give up the ABDL aspect of their relationship (at least the 24/7 part of it) in order to have a baby.
The second girl, named Erica, wore a short black dress with nylons and matching black high heels, hoop earrings, a silver chain necklace, and several rings (which I didn’t get a good look at.) Her hair was curled and she had spent some time putting on make-up that complimented her outfit. She looked very pretty. She was a bit taller, but really slender.
She said she started out just being a diaper girl and didn’t have any interest in the AB thing, but all that changed soon after she met her Daddy. She said she really indentified with being a BabyGirl, but she only did it on occasion, not all the time and not every day. She also kept it “in private only”. Her first love was still wearing diapers and she never wore big girl panties, even when she got her monthly visitor!!
Erica worked at a law office on Lime Street. I was really curious as to how she kept a diaper butt from being obvious at work. She explained that she wore pull-ups to work and no one has ever noticed.
The third girl (Keira) dressed in a more casual fashion (which made me feel more comfortable). She had on a yellow v-neck sweater, dress slacks and short leather boots. She had several earrings in each ear, a simple necklace with a locket and a wedding ring. Her hair was in a ponytail and her make-up wasn’t as elaborate as Erica’s was, but it still drew attention to her eyes (which were very pretty eyes.)
She and her husband, Grant, had just moved to the area from State College. They both had attended Penn State University and were season ticket holders for Penn State football. Grant had just gotten his master’s degree in engineering and he found a job in Lancaster. So they moved here for his work. Erica had just graduated with her bachelor’s in journalism! She hadn’t begun looking for work herself yet. So I told her about the Lancaster Newspaper and about my column. (I have a feeling Keira and I are going to be good friends.)
Grant was very dominant and she was very submissive. The alternative lifestyle was extremely sexual for them. It included BDSM a lot more than ABDL. In fact, she introduced her husband to the whole “baby play” thing. He wasn’t a very gentle Daddy, but that was okay because Keira loved his force. After they were done having sex, he tried babying her with as much gentleness as he could find within himself. She said he was getting better at it.
And yes, all four of us BabyGirls were diapered at this munch. For the differences we had, we all agreed that all BabyGirls should be in diapers, where they belong.
I had such a wonderful time. It was nice to be able to talk with other girls who not only shared a love for ABDL, but also were just simply nice and didn’t have fangs and nails and daggers from the eyes (like Sasha, the condescending wife of Zeke’s best man, Griff).
I hope Zeke liked Grant because I really liked Keira a lot. I think we have a lot in common and I hope to see her again.
We all said goodbye and planned another get-together in two weeks. Then we all parted and headed our separate ways.
I don’t think I shut up for a single minute on the way home. I told him all about Heather, Erica and especially Keira. He said Grant was a really nice guy, certainly a power-hungry individual, but still nice.
It was getting late. So when we got home, he drew my bath water right away and undressed me. He lifted me up onto the changing table and eased me down onto it. As he unfastened my wet diaper, lifting my bottom and legs in the air as usual, I had a chance to ask him something that was weighing on my heart, but I was afraid of what his reaction would be. So I said nothing.
As soon as the cleaning was done, he lifted me, his now-naked BabyGirl, into his arms and carried me into the bathroom.
October is the beginning of chilly weather in Lancaster County and even though the heat was on in the house, there was still a slight chill in the air. So being lowered into warm bubbly bath water felt even better than it normally did.
I rested my head on the back of the tub and closed my eyes. Zeke left the bathroom to prepare things in other rooms for me when my bath was over. This was always a great time for me to relax and soak, and was always a heavenly few minutes of serenity.
Zeke returned quietly as to not disturb me, but I knew he was there. I felt the water ripple as he dipped the wash cloth into it. And as he touched my body with that cloth, I began feeling an arousal which made me long for him, once again, in a more grown up fashion. This is what was troubling me. I didn’t know if he would be happy if he knew I was feeling that way. This was to be Daddy and BabyGirl time. It was to be sweet and charming and innocent.
As before, I said nothing to him about it for fear that it would upset him that I even mentioned it. But as I lied in that bath water and watched him bathe me, I suddenly realized something I should’ve rationalized a while ago:
I’ve come a long way with Zeke. At first I was very shy when talking with him online. I had revealed my greatest secret to him and was scared to death that he might damage the tender heart from which my little side came. But he made me feel safe. So, that fear went away.
At first I was overwhelmed with the “baby” feeling. The butterflies fluttered in my tummy and I felt vulnerable in his care. He could’ve turned my world upside down and left me bound and broken on the floor. But he didn’t do that. Instead, he took care of me and made me the most important person in his life. And I fell in love with him.
The overwhelming feeling has since passed, but it’s not because I no longer enjoy his treatment of me. It’s because being a BabyGirl is now as natural of an emotion as love.
I withheld my illness from him, but he didn’t get angry when he found out. I’ve been an absolute nightmare of anger mixed with tears from time to time, but he never got mad at me. Zeke gave me no reason to believe he wouldn’t be honest about his feelings for me sexually. After all, we were going to be getting married.
But even though, I had convinced myself there would be no harm in talking about it, I still chickened out.
He lifted me out of the tub and toweled me dry. It was more touching that was giving me yearnings to want even more just like it. And you see!!?? What I fear is that he will stop touching me as he does if I tell him how it affects me.
Ahh!! Why can’t I be brave and go up to him and say: “Zeke, I’m a girl and you’re a guy. We love each other and I want to know if I am attractive to you. I want to know if you want me”? Why is it so hard for me to find the courage to ask him that?
He spent a little extra time drying my hair than he usually did after washing it. He even got out the blow dryer to finish it up. This way my hair would be completely dry for bed time. This told me that I would be wearing only my diaper to bed. (-giggle-) Yeah, sometimes I’m dressed in my diaper, my earrings and nothing else.
“Daddy knows best.” But my-oh-my, if he only knew how I felt at this moment, he might well dress me in a snowsuit if he didn’t like what I said.
Up into his arms I went and out the living room he carried me. He lied down on the couch, placing me on top of him. As my body came to rest on him, I could feel his heart beating and the warmth rising up from his chest was very soothing.
He removed the pacifier from my lips and inserted my night time bottle into my mouth. I timidly began drinking the warm milk, knowing full-well that it would soon make me drowsy and the next thing I would remember was Zeke waking me up in the morning. Throughout this night, I would fall asleep on his chest until 3 am when he would change my diaper and either put me in my crib or place me next to him in his bed.
This was a very wonderful and appealing way to end the day, except on this day I had something that I wanted to ask him, but couldn’t find the courage.
I finished the bottle and let out a tiny burp like I always did. Zeke set the bottle on the coffee table next to the couch and returned my pacifier to my mouth. His eyelids were at half-mast as he turned the TV to ESPN. He was nearly ready for bed, but I wasn’t sleepy yet. I remained lying on his chest, straddling his left thigh with my legs. In minutes, he was asleep.
The front of my diaper pressed up against his thigh and I wanted to say my wedding vows to him right then and there so we would be married and he would then be free to make love to me. But I want him tonight and every time he touched me, whether it was for a bath or a diaper change or a simple massage, that craving for his fingers grew every day.
I’m a girl, a flesh and blood simple girl who has the same desires for pleasure that any other girl would have. It was normal to feel this way. I no longer felt bad about it … at least for the moment.
The front of my diaper was feeling the pressure of lying on his thigh. It felt so wonderful and I wanted to rock ever-so-gently up and down. Keira said she always got sexual pleasure from her submissiveness. I knew I should’ve just opened up to him about it, but it felt so wonderful to have that pressure on my peach and I thought maybe if I just lied there and enjoyed what I was feeling, perhaps it would be enough for now.
So I very gently began to glide my body up and down on his leg. Perhaps it would seem like innocent behavior. It sure felt like an innocent request to just simply want to know.
I maintained my slow motion, controlled my breathing, closed my eyes and bit the nipple of my pacifier tightly to prevent any sound from coming out. The sensations that began forming inside me pushed though my center, gently and evenly at first, like ripples on a water surface.
To my surprise, it was a very calming feeling. Every little nerve ending and sensor within me seemed bound to the next and they passed the sensation along with seamless connection.
I wanted to tell Zeke how good it made me feel so very badly. But I didn’t. Then the guilt returned to me and I felt I was cheating us out of our wedding night. But I couldn’t stop myself and I became a slave to the yearning, obedient to its desires because they were also mine.
My heart raced, but my body remained slow and deliberate as I could practically feel the goal coming on and it was something that I needed.
I was losing the battle of “holding out” and to be honest, I was very happy to have been the loser at that moment.
Everything tightened within my core and my hands made fists that grabbed up the material of his shirt. The first orgasm had shot through me, spreading out and washing over my whole body. I couldn’t move at all and remained tense for a few minutes as I pressed my pelvic bone down onto his leg, pressing his thigh up onto one specific spot on my peach which seemed to regenerate the yearning over and over.
It felt so good I didn’t want it to ever end. But as it unfortunately did end, I curled up into a ball on his chest. He never woke up as I did something that made me feel naughty and good at the same time.
I’m writing this while sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Zeke is still sleeping and I’ve decided that tomorrow I’m going to straight out ask Zeke if he has the same desires as I have right now. It would make all the difference in the world if I knew that he wanted me. I’m sure he does, but to hear him say it would make me feel so much more secure for when it happens, when he takes me in his arms, lays me on the bed and introduces me to yet another kind of love that I never knew was supposed to feel that good.
As for the orgasm I had tonight, I don’t think I’ll tell him about it … unless the guilt gets the best of me. Zeke knows everything about me. I don’t want to hold anything back. Hmm…
Nite Nite!
Lily (and Pretzel)
Email: zorroabdaddy@yahoo.com
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