Posted by Zorro Daddy on April 30, 2010 at 01:38 [174.59.253.194]
Today was a day I will never forget. It included a trip and a meeting that had a really amazing and unexpected outcome … But there I go jumping right to the end of the story again. Let me start over.
Zeke woke me up about 9 am. He let me sleep in a bit since my chemo treatment three days ago was pretty intense and tiring. (And I am very happy to report that I haven’t lost any hair yet! It was also just a “possible” side effect of the treatment, but since most people lose their hair during it, I figured I was going to for sure. But I haven’t! Yay!)
I had my morning bottle while lying in his lap and listening to what he had planned for the day. Zeke told me a few days ago that we would be going on a trip today, but as usual, he didn’t tell me where we were going. To my surprise, he decided to tell me as he bottle fed me this morning.
We were going to go to Longwood Gardens, which was a flower and plants park between Lancaster and Philly in an area known as Kennett Square. But the purpose of the trip wasn’t to just see the flowers. It was so I could meet Zeke’s best friend, a guy name Bryan Griffing. Zeke called him “Griff” and it was this guy who would be Zeke’s best man in our wedding.
As soon as I was done with my post-bottle burps, I was whisked away to the bathroom and given a bath. This one wasn’t as long as my others and he told me not to play around as I often do when getting a bath. He obviously wanted to get me ready and get going. I could tell by the look in his eyes that this day was very important to him. So I didn’t “lollygag” about the bath.
Before I knew it, we were in the car and down the road.
Today was the first day of October, and the car ride gave me a lot of colorful autumn leaves to look at. This time of year gives us warmer temps in the day time and chilly nights. At least, that’s how it is in Pennsylvania. So my diaper bag was packed with a second outfit for colder weather, just in case this day got cold suddenly, but for now it was warming up nicely.
I bit into the frosted pop-tart that he grabbed as a snack for me on the way. While brushing the crumbs off my lap, I noticed something: Zeke dressed me up to look super-cute today!
I had on a yellow onesie over my diaper. It had short-sleeves that barely covered my shoulders. Over that, I had a blue denim jumper on. I had on yellow ankle socks and a new pair of white New Balance tennis shoes with a pink “N” on the sides. My hair was done up in braided pigtails which he tied up at the ends with yellow ribbon and I have to say that he did a pretty good job of color coordination. I was very happy with my appearance and was feeling like I looked like a princess.
I sat there with a content smile on my face the whole way to the Gardens. I was quite proud of how behaved I was.
We pulled into Longwood Gardens and I got excited, trying to prevent myself from bouncing up and down. Parking way far away from anyone else (because Zeke liked to be prepared in case I needed to be changed later on), we crossed the parking lot and we could see Bryan at the entrance. His wife was with him … And! She had a baby in her arms! Zeke never told me they had a baby. He waved to them.
Zeke and Bryan did the guy friend shoulder hug and then I was introduced. Bryan’s wife’s name was Sasha. I smiled and said hello to her, and we both kept our smiles on as we did the typical “sizing up” comparison that girls do to each other. From our clothes to our outfits to our make-up to our hair, the “war” was on. There wasn’t much reason to have this battle, but she started it and I stood my ground.
Of course, Zeke and Bryan had no idea what was happening. (That’s guys for ya.) It’s probably best that they didn’t have a clue about it. Sasha and I were having a battle with our eyes. It wasn’t physical. I don’t know how it would be if guys did the same as us. I don’t even want to think about it.
Luckily, all attention was suddenly directed to the baby in Sasha’s arms. She was a girl, about a year old, with the most adorable long, blonde curls. Her fingers were so tiny and her face was so cute, with a little nose and the most beautiful, blue eyes. Even at her young age, she recognized the attention and shyly buried her face in her mother’s chest.
I have to admit I was somewhat jealous. Knowing I had no reason to be jealous because I received the same kind of treatment and felt the same as that little girl, I smiled at the thought of being envious. It was a short lived desire to be up in Zeke’s arms at that moment.
Sasha lovingly rocked her daughter back and forth, patting the girl on her lower back. She looked at her daughter’s clothing, colored pink and white. Then she looked at mine of blue and yellow. It was then I realized Elisha and I were wearing the same outfit.
And what is your name, Sweetie?” I asked the girl, quickly turning everyone’s attention back to the baby and away from my outfit.
“Say ‘My name is Elisha’ ,” Sasha replied for her daughter.
We walked into Longwood Gardens. (And let me tell you they charged people a lot for looking at flowers!) The first building we walked into was called the Estate Fruit House. Chrysanthemums cascade down the walls, and I read that blue poppies are kept in the Conservatory in the springtime.
Today was the first day of their fall “Chrysanthemum Festival”. I believe they said there was over 20,000 colorful, blooming chrysanthemums in the Conservatory. The flower experts planted and formed these flowers into unique shapes. It was really amazing to see what they could do with them. It’s not often you get the chance to walk into a room where you are completely surrounded by flowers, from the ceiling to the floor.
In mid-November, they will release a bunch of bees to pollinate the flowers in the building. But I wonder how they get all the bees to leave afterwards.
When we walked out of the Conservatory, I saw the reason why Zeke suggested we go to Longwood Gardens. Ahead of us was a building with a pathway that was lined with lilies. I couldn’t imagine that they would be kept outside too much longer since fall had arrived. But this pathway led up to another building that was dedicated to lilies.
I wanted to skip with excitement when I saw it. Instead, I held on to Zeke’s hand and contained my enthusiasm. Inside were massive displays of lilies, Calla lilies to be exact. Every color I could dream of lined the walkways on the floors, the columns in the middle, the molding around the windows and up the walls.
From yellow to orange to pink to red to purple to black to white, each was the same, but so very different. Some of the yellow ones were butter-colored and some were golden. The orange ones had a softer orange in the middle and a deep red around the edges called “Morning Sunburst”. The pink ones had a little yellow on their outer edges and a hot pink color in the middle, but some were raspberry shaded throughout. The red ones ranged from a bright tropical red to a deep burgundy shade. The Purple ones had different names, too. The lavender ones were called “Pink Star” and the deep purple ones were called Purple Heart”.
The other two colors, black and white were really neat, too. There was one kind of black lily called “Hot Chocolate” because it was a mixture of deep purple and brown that looked like it swirled over the petals. And the white lilies all had a little bit of another color in them, either at the base or along the top edge of the flower.
Before we left the lily building, we stopped to read the plaque at the exit. It explained that the calla lily had symbolic meaning. It’s used in both weddings and funerals. The calla lily is symbolic of marriage and purity because of its white color and its trumpet-like shape, similar to a woman's shape. But it is also the symbol of rebirth and resurrection. So it can be used in funeral arrangements and planted in cemeteries.
We walked through the Main Fountain Gardens and saw a lot of other kinds of flowers, but my mind was still back in the lily building. I began to envision lilies at our wedding. Maybe by the altar or maybe lining the aisle or maybe arranged in small bouquets on the ends of the pews. I dreamed and dreamed big.
I must’ve shivered at some point because Zeke took his button down shirt off and made me put it on. I didn’t know I was chilly, but as it turned out he was right. I felt a lot better wearing his shirt. Of course, it wouldn’t have to be cold for that to be the case. I love wearing his shirts all the time.
We ate lunch at the Terrace Restaurant, a little café they had at Longwood Gardens. It was sweet watching Bryan trying to situate the high chair at the table and Elisha in it. Lunch was idle chit chat and nothing exciting. I had come to the conclusion that today wasn’t going to have anything to do with our wedding plans. That was okay with me. I was glad to have met Zeke’s best man and his wife.
And I was certainly glad to have met little Elisha. She and I began to start our own side “conversation”. I touched my nose and then she touched hers. Then I touched my ears and she touched her. And we continued playing like this while the “grown-ups” had their “grown-up” talk. LOL It’s hard to keep the attention of little girls. So Elisha and I decided to entertain ourselves.
The meal was brought out to us and I marveled over how Sasha was able to spoon feed Elisha while eating her own meal at the same time. I tried to imagine how I would be able to do that with my daughter someday. I looked Elisha’s face and then at her parent’s faces, trying to figure out which one she looked more like. I could see a little bit of both of them in her.
Then I looked at Zeke’s face and tried to imagine what our daughter might look like. Would she have my tiny nose or Zeke’s bigger one? Would she have his strong jaw line or my gentle one? I enjoyed thinking about it. I truly hope Zeke wants to have children with me someday.
Then Bryan lifted Elisha out of the high chair and cradled him in his arms. It was time for a bottle of milk. Sasha fished through their diaper bag and handed him the bottle. Watching him bottle feed his daughter was a breath-taking sight. I wondered if Zeke and I looked like that.
I recognized the look of absolute love in Bryan’s eyes as he gazed down at his daughter. I recalled having been looked at like that many, many times. It was such a beautiful thing to watch.
Lunch ended and as we headed back out to the flowers, Zeke placed his hand on my diapered bottom, discreetly. I quickly shook my head, letting him know I was dry as a bone and clean. I thought it amazing that I hadn’t even wet myself yet.
We walked through a little pathway outside called “Pierce’s Woods” and then strolled around all the outside trails. Little Elisha’s legs had gotten tired and her mother had been carrying her around for a while. Then she handed the girl over to Bryan who carried her around for a while. Bryan’s arms were getting tired. So I gleefully said I would hold her.
Bryan handed Elisha to me and I gently placed her on my chest. She rested her head on my shoulder and wrapped her little arms as far around my neck as they could go. Her eyes had begun to get heavy and to help her avoid being fussy, Sasha had put a pacifier in her mouth. Elisha curled up her fingers into little fists. She was trying hard to stay awake, but was losing the battle. With a tummy full of baby food and milk, she needed to sleep.
Her face was so tiny and she was such a cutie. I wanted to keep her. (I thought about asking Zeke if we could babysit her some time. I’m sure he’d be thrilled having to change two BabyGirls' diapers and take care of both of us. LOL)
And as I watched her fall asleep, I realized that this was the view that Zeke had of me as I drifted off to sleep on his chest. I can only hope that I look half as adorable and cute as that little girl did.
Next was “The Italian Water Gardens”. Elisha was fast asleep by now and everyone agreed this would be the last exhibit before we left. And what a neat exhibit to end on! It was a building that had displays in it where different flowers were lined up along side miniature waterfalls and ponds. It looked very nice and was a sweet way to end our time there, but we had all grown tired of pretty flowers and headed for the exit.
I had an absolutely wonderful time. This would be a day, I would recall with fond memories, but I had no idea what was about to happen to me and how a sweet experience would soon turn sour….
As we prepared to leave, Zeke and Griff stopped off at the bathroom. As we waited for them, I continued to play with Elisha. She giggled and gave me great big baby hugs. Holding an infant in my arms felt so wonderful and so natural. I knew for certain that I wanted to be a mother some day.
Sasha watched the two of us playing with each other for a minute and then asked me how I met Zeke. I admitted to our online beginning, but I didn’t let on to the Daddy/BabyGirl thing. I still remember the question she asked me. It wasn’t an actual question, but it may as well have been:
“Zeke has a lot of quirks to him,” she stated, conveying a message to me while searching for information in my eyes.
I let on to nothing, but I wondered if she knew. Then I began to worry that she was somehow figured out I was wearing a diaper. It made sense that she would. After all, she had a baby and knew well what a diapered bottom looked like under clothing. Certainly the diaper bag that Zeke and I kept passing back and forth throughout the day made her wonder. And now I stood before her almost trembling as every insecurity (which Zeke had worked so hard to rid me of) returned to me. My face began to go flush and it was then I realized I had just wet my diaper.
Now the situation was very uncomforting. Sasha was quite girly in her appearance. I began to take notice to the time she put into her hair, into her make-up and into her outfit. The precision of her sculpted and polished finger nails began to make me not only feel little in a bad way, but also inferior. A smirk fell over her face. I could tell she was starting to believe that something was up between Zeke and me. She had made the decision in her mind, but was still searching for proof in my eyes, my posture, my demeanor. I refused to give in to the feeling of inadequacy. I didn’t know why she was treating me like this, but I did know that I didn’t like her all of a sudden.
She reached over and took Elisha out of my arms. Her eyes were throwing daggers at me and she wasn’t missing. I started getting teary-eyed at how mean she was being. I thought she liked me and that I had started a friendship with her. I guess I was wrong and shouldn’t have believed she would accept me. Feeling rejected and cowering at her cruelty, I felt myself start to poop in my diaper. I didn’t even have the esteem left to fight the urge. I stood there, stunned at how Sasha was treating me and I created a mess in my diaper.
I was mortified and wanted to run away crying, but couldn’t leave until Zeke came back from the bathroom. Sasha started “sizing me up” once again and this time there was condescension in her demeanor as her eyes went from my ribbon-tied pigtails to my jumper outfit to the yellow socks and sneakers on my feet. Then her eyes rolled back up to the diaper bag I was carrying as a purse. Finally she began staring at the bottom hem of my jumper. She was figuring it out and I was about to shed the tears welled up in my eyes.
Thank God Zeke returned from the bathroom just then and walked over to us. He wasn’t aware at all of how much of a savior he was at that moment … or at least that’s what I thought. He walked up next to me and gave Sasha a glare of death. Somehow he immediately recognized what was going on. Instantly, her piercing expression softened and she “retreated” from her hideous, non-verbal attack on me.
It was then I figured out Zeke didn’t like her much, either. There must’ve been some sort of history that I wasn’t aware of. I intended to find out, but for that time being, I was glad my white knight arrived to rescue his Princess.
He said goodbye to Griff and Elisha, while giving Sasha one final glare. Then, we slowly walked out of Longwood Gardens. I collapsed myself up against him. I felt so defeated and even pathetic. All I wanted to do was die. I can’t tell you enough how much I needed him at that moment, almost like I needed him even more than usual. I clung to his chest like I needed his heartbeat and his warmth to survive. I could feel the mess in my diaper slowly spreading out with each step. I couldn’t even ask him to carry me because that would’ve made the mess even worse inside my diaper. I was miserable and just kept crying.
In the blink of an eye, today became a really bad memory. I went from being fascinated with the lily flowers to being silly while feeling little as I played with Elisha at lunch to being thrust back into the confrontations I am faced with as an adult simply because I’m female and all females hate each other.
I’m usual real good at hiding how upset I am. It’s a necessary mode of survival sometimes. But everything had overwhelmed me by then and I was having one of those moods when it seemed everything was going wrong and I felt I couldn’t do anything right. Talking about it wouldn’t have helped because I couldn’t put it to words other than to say that nothing was going to make me happy. I was ready to curl up into a ball and cry because I had no ability to get a grip on what I was thinking or even just my emotions. So therefore my behavior was getting bratty and I knew that Zeke didn’t like it when I got that way. So I began to think that he was going to get in a bad mood because of me and I started blaming myself for the whole thing.
We got to the car and I just wanted him to take my jumper up, yank my diaper down to my ankles, put me over his knee and spank me. At least then, I would not only have a reason to cry, but I’d also understand why I was being spanked. That would’ve been a lot better than crying because I was treated badly by Sasha and I didn’t even know why she was so mean to me.
But, of course, Zeke didn’t spank me. (Maybe someday. -wink-) Instead, he opened the driver’s side door and placed my pacifier between my lips. His button down shirt floated down off my shoulders as he lifted my jumper up and over my head, tossing it in the back seat. Standing there in just my yellow onesie, I instantly shrunk, lowering my head as I hugged him tightly. He reached between my legs and unfastened my onesie buttons. I kept hugging him tightly as he lifted my onesie and pulled out the elastic waistband on the back of my diaper. As he peeked down at the mess on my bottom, I drifted way back in mind. My behavior, bratty and fussy just a minute ago, now could’ve passed me as being just one year old. Zeke’s touch had now become magic. His fingertips held the Midas touch over me. I was now all “baby” in his arms and eager to submit to the type of kindness and gentleness that only existed within him.
Like I was unable to move on my own, he supported my back and neck with his right arm as he guided me down onto the front seat, never breaking eye contact with me and never allowing the glimmer of safety to fade from the hazel irises which had led me back to the composure I had lost.
My head came to rest on the seat first. He had not only found a secluded parking space, but also one with plenty of shade from the tree in front of it. The seat was hot, but just warm enough to comfort my body as he eased the rest of me down onto it.
I drew my knees up to my chest as he untied my sneakers, removing them along with my ankle socks. One layer of clothing at a time, he was regressing me even further into an infancy state of mind which I not only longed for, but wanted to live in every moment of my life. There were no mean girls who would tease me in the benevolent haven where he was leading me. I would only feel gentleness on my body and the only emotion I would know was love.
In one swift move the onesie came off my body and he began unfastening my diaper tapes. Folding the front of the diaper down, he raised my bottom and legs up. And that moment was the “littlest” moment I had ever felt. I was lying on the front seat completely naked, entirely exposed to anyone who might just be walking by right then. I was also breaking a public nudity law and stood to face serious consequences if caught. But none of those thoughts troubled me. They didn’t even enter my mind. I lied there and drew delicately from my pacifier as I stared up at the little bits of sunlight that had found a way to get through the multi-colored leaves of the tree.
Those tiny streams of sunlight trickled down over me, covering me in warmth that allowed my mind to drift far away. I could feel the cool wipe being applied to my bottom and I enjoyed the relief of the mess that he was getting rid of without having to endure the embarrassment which often coupled itself with my poopy diaper changes. That wonderful scent of baby powder filled the air. I breathed it in as deeply as I could, allowing it to reach my toes before exhaling.
And then, those butterflies that always fluttered away in my tummy when he babied me suddenly disappeared. I was in such a state of bliss, I didn’t move a muscle, but marveled that they were gone. I began to wonder if I had reached a new state of mind. Perhaps being his BabyGirl wasn’t just a thrill anymore. Perhaps being his BabyGirl had finally become a natural sense of being.
Whatever had just happened, I loved the way it made me feel. My thoughts drifted back to the day I met Zeke at Park City Mall, that first night I spent in his apartment and the nursery that he transformed his spare bedroom into just for me. My eyes began to stare through the twinkling bits of sunlight and I envisioned our future and of all the memories we had yet to make: the experience of the day of our wedding, the intimacy of our wedding night, the joyfulness of being called Mrs. Lily Williams, the enchantment of a lifetime by his side, the miracle of becoming parents and the smile that would greet me every morning for the rest of my life.
He lowered my bottom and legs back down as he folded the front of my diaper up into place. He fastened my diaper tapes while inadvertently placing pressure on my peach. I closed my eyes and reminded myself that our wedding would soon be here and then I would be able to feel his love in the only manner I had yet to experience.
He sat me up in the same gentle manner that he eased me down. He slipped the cutest little white baby-t over my body. And then stood up out of the car. I smiled shyly behind my pacifier because I knew what was going to happen next. I reached down and picked up my dirty diaper off the floor. He had bundled it up and taped it into the same little ball that he always did.
He extended his arms to me and I crawled over to him. Lifting me into his arms, I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. Placing my head on his chest, I smiled again. That was exactly where I belonged. He slowly walked over to the trash can, about 20 parking spaces away.
I remained wrapped around his body as he gently rocked me back and forth while patting my back. I felt his other hand on my diapered bottom. I was wearing a white baby-t and my diaper. Anyone could’ve seen me at that moment, but I no longer cared and no longer feared their discoveries. I wanted to announce to the world that I, Lily Paddington, was now the BabyGirl of Ezekiel Williams, the most loving Daddy in the universe. Along with two pigtails still tied up with yellow ribbon, I was the happiest BabyGirl in the world.
On the way home, Zeke did briefly tell me how much of a witch he always believed Sasha to be. Then, he changed the subject and never brought her up again. I curled up in a ball on the front seat, resting my head on his lap and looking up at him as he drove. He asked me a bunch of yes and no questions that didn’t have anything to do with Sasha or the day we just had.
Some of the questions I had to think about before I could answer them, like “What would you name a puppy if you had one?” (I wasn’t able to answer that one, but I thought about it a lot since I really wanted Zeke to let me have a puppy.) Other questions were designed to just make me giggle and laugh and feel little, like “What did this little piggy get when he went to the market?” as he played with my toes.
My formerly tear-stained cheeks were now rosy. And I was happy.
Zeke knew what I needed just like he always does. He understands me like no other because he has taken the time to realize what he is and is not capable of doing. You see, Zeke isn’t able of making my problems go away. No one is able to do that. He recognizes this and doesn’t try to fight a lost cause. Lots of people have tried to help me with my problems. Zeke just helps me to forget my problems and that is why I love him with all my heart.
We came home to a big surprise. Well, actually it was a little one. We got a puppy! A long blonde haired poodle and terrier mix. She’s a little girl just like me. I think she is the runt of her litter. That was why he had asked me what I would name a puppy if I had one. So, once again Zeke asked me what I wanted to name the puppy. It took me forever to come up with her name, but my bedtime snack this evening gave me the answer I was searching for. I named her Pretzel.
Then I asked Zeke what he would name our daughter if we had one. He thought about it and then said he had no idea. I told he would probably want to decide sometime in the near future. (I think he got the hint.)
So this day was very emotional for me. What had started as fun had turned into misery. Then Zeke saved me from a horrible experience as well as the horrible thoughts it gave me. Along the way, I became a true BabyGirl at heart. I am content to remain just as I am forever, but I’m ready for more as well. Knowing him, there will always be something new that he will guide me to discover about myself.
I’m writing this to you while playing with Pretzel. I’m lying in my crib with Pretzel and I need to finish this entry. I hope he lets Pretzel sleep with me in the crib tonight. I’ll have to let you know if he does.
Nite Nite!
Lily and Pretzel
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