Posted by Wet Trousers on April 20, 2001 at 16:08
This is a true experience, from when I flew to Rome on business earlier this month.
I was sitting in the left-hand aisle seat in business class near the front of a Boeing 737. This particular airline has a 2½ - 3 configuration and the ½ is a nice gap between seats and those of us who are regular travellers always travel on the left-hand side. The aisle seat of the three opposite me on the right-hand side was empty, like the window seat next to me, and a rather attractive young lady was in the middle of the three seats, with someone who I think was a work colleague of hers in the far window seat.
I saw her luggage label, so know her full name, but for here I'll just use her first name: Elaine. She is about 30, around 5 feet 6 inches tall, has shoulder length brunette hair and brown eyes. For those from the UK, her facial features look a bit like the actress Fiona Dolman who played the solicitor married to the policeman in the Yorkshire TV series Heartbeat annd she was wearing large hooped earrings. Judging by Elaine's accent, she originated in the UK Midlands. She is quite well-endowed on top and was showing her features with a fairly tight-fitting black Kangol top. She was also wearing mid-coloured (ie, neither light nor dark) greyish-blue cotton slacks with an elasticated waist (quick to pull down I guess!) and noticeable panty-line. When, later in the flight, she took her shoes off, she revealed a pair of garish yellowish-green socks!
Anyway, as is usual at London Heathrow (one of the busiest airports in the world), there was a bit of a delay boarding, then the flight did not pull back from the gate at the scheduled time so had to wait a bit, joined a queue of planes waiting to take off and, eventually, managed to get airborne. The pilot came onto the PA system, gave the usual announcements and explained that we would be climbing through raincloud so the seatbelt sign would stay on until we were above that. I guess it took about ten minutes or so to climb above the clouds. The head cabin attendant came on and did his normal announcements including explaining that, when the 'fasten seatbelts' signs were turned off, passengers could use the toilets...
At that, Elaine unbuckled her belt, stood up and started to come out into the aisle, past the empty seat. Of course, the signs had not been turned off yet and she only got about two or three steps before a stewardess flew out of the galley area at the front, pointed out that the signs were still lit and told her to sit down again. Looking a little crestfallen, she did so, while her companion laughed.
By now, Elaine's mind was clearly on her fairly urgent need for the toilet and in the next few minutes she worked through foot-tapping to starting to squirm in her seat. I'm not sure what her colleague thought but I didn't hear him say anything. Happening about two yards (metres) from me with nobody in between, this made for a very interesting and attractive distraction from my newspaper!
I'm not quite sure why but the 'fasten seatbelts' lights stayed on for about another ten minutes, probably until we had climbed to cruising altitude round about the south coast of England and then over the English Channel (what we call the bit of sea between England and France - the French call it something else!). By now, Elaine looked pretty desperate and she was definitely changing position every few seconds in the seat. When the 'bong' came that accompanies the signs going out, she was off at about the same speed as a 100m runner out of the blocks. However, in her need ten minutes before, she hadn't listened to all of the announcement about the toilets. She was about six yards from the toilet at the front between the galley and the cockpit door but you can't see the door from the seats and she didn't realise. Instead, she headed for the rear of the plane! Of course, the inevitable happened and someone twenty rows or so further back also got up and beat her to the rear toilet. Poor Elaine!
I would love to be able to report her total desperation at this point, or a spectacular accident but, of course, I couldn't turn round and obviously stare at her for the next couple of minutes while she waited, no doubt legs crossed and hopping about (lucky people in the back row!). When she returned and turned into her row of seats, her backside was straight towards me for a second and, I have to say, was completely dry (in mid-coloured cotton slacks, any wetness would have shown up clearly).
But that's not quite the end. She and her business companion obviously weren't going straight into a meeting because, when the drinks cart came round (complimentary in business class) she had one of the little bottles (maybe one third normal size) of champagne, another with dinner about an hour into the flight and a third when the drinks cart returned! She didn't use the toilet again and it was a two and a half hour flight, so by the time we disembarked in Rome, it was over two hours since she had been and one and a half since she started laying into the champagne.
Being a gentleman, and because she had a cute bum to watch as she walked ahead of me, I let her and her companion off the plane ahead of me. He was still walking down the corridor ahead of me towards immigration when he realised that Elaine was no longer beside him. He did a quick double-take and managed to work out that she had turned sharp left ten yards before into the first ladies toilet in Rome airport! They later got onto the same shuttle as me from the satellite terminal to the main building and I last saw them in the baggage reclaim area as I went straight into customs with hand luggage only (I was only there for two days of a meeting).
If you are one of us and reading this, Elaine, thanks! and do drop me an e-mail because I would love to get in touch!
I encountered another experience of female desperation (verbal rather than visual) while in Rome, but that will have to wait for another time...
Wet Trousers
20 April 2001
Email: wet_trousers@hotmail.com