Removing the "L" from "POOL PARTY"

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Posted by Impurath on June 05, 2003 at 14:18 []

I have not posted here for some time because it seems many others in the underground kvlt of metal warriors do not understand the place in a hard man's heart for both wetset activities and love of another man. This is their immaturity and is laughable in the face of the ultimate evil and sadistic torment of all that is natural that black metal represents. I have determined to overcome the cruel mockery of my colleagues, and so I will share with you a little story.

Every year in our town a local church puts on a "block party" to get people together. They have free watermelon, lemonade and cupcakes and stuff. Lots of sugar foods. And of course, they have a pool for people to swim in. This year I thought I would attend, as part of my desire to show others my hobby and to experience their laughter and shock without shame of my own. All my life people have made fun of me for things like this, and I cum deep inside my own soul when I have triumph over them.

The night before the event, I had my guitarist come with me for a special mission. When we had completed our task, we were exhausted and sweaty, hiding in the shade of a large tree. "This is great male bonding activity," he said. "Piss on my face." So I laid back and sent an arching stream up onto his face, gold splashing around his eyes, and then kissed him for what seemed like an eternity. After the brutal sex we had that night, I knew my sphincter would be more than ready to open on command.

At home I ate two large hamburgers, a whole can of bean dip, and several hard-boiled eggs. A sulfurous gas began to escape me, and I felt a tingle of pleasure as the foulness crested my thighs after leaking from my swollen and battered pink donut. I kept drinking water, which I would alternate with coffee. For those of you who do not know this trick, it increases the stench of your emissions by alternately drying out and flooding the colon with water, causing uneven decay in addition to the smell grafted onto your odor by coffee itself. I could feel inside of me a blackness like death itself, churning in my bowels, reaching for fresh air for its reward of shock and horror and the unleashing of my orgasm. When I went to sleep, I smiled at the thoughts of such foulness deep within.

The next day, it was bright and sunny, with a blue sky dotted by clouds. I became excited upon waking up, but had to hold back until it was 11:30, the time the pool party started. Gurgles from my gut made me giddy with expectation. I knew this would be a crowning act of my career of the obscenity of ordure.

As I had planned, the pool party was late in starting. Near the barbecue and the food table, everyone was clustered, pointing toward the water. I was wearing swim trunks, black, and a black tshirt, so must have seemed disturbing to these people. I went to the food table and got a chili dog and two cupcakes, and munching them walked up to one of the guys at poolside.

"Are you here from animal control?"

"No I am here to find Jesus," I said. "What do you need animal control for?"

The man worldlessly pointed toward the pool and I went over to look. Somehow (and I have no idea how, of course) a large snake like the one my guitarist used to own had gotten into the pool, and was surface skimming in the shallow end. Not a soul was near the water. I felt sort of bad for them then but I realized the worst was yet to come. Rows of children, clustered around parents decked with towels, sunscreen, beach clothes and water coolers. All waiting for the water.

"It's just a snake," I said.

"Well it could be a poisonous snake," the man said, greasy sweat running down his nose, dripping onto his shirt. More waste. I was excited, as a queasy instability coursed through my gut. Not much time left now.

"I don't think it is," I said. "I'm going in anyway."

As I was taking off my shirt and going near to the water, some lifeguard guy ran up with a megaphone as if he was going to shout at me through it. "You can't go near the water! There's a snake!" he said through clenched teeth.

"Give me that, I have an announcement." I took his megaphone and turned to the crowd. A churning of dense morbidity stirred in my guts.

"I am sure you are familiar with the story of the serpent in the garden of Eden, and how evil that serpent was. In fact, you probably don't like evil much, do you?" There were brief noises from some of the adults.

"Let me tell you this: that serpent had feelings too. He was a freak and did not fit into your plans, but he had a right to be himself too. But no one sees it that way, of course, because most people are afraid of that serpent."

A couple parents shooed kids to the other side of the food table.

"Let me tell you something else. I can identify with that snake in the pool, and that serpent on the apple tree. You would not tolerate any of us. To you, we are freaks, we are sick things, we are evil."

I paused, letting dramatic intensity flare up as the first brownish liquid leaked past my furiously tensed sphincter.

"You should not condemn what you fear." I put down the megaphone and took two steps toward the water, my swimsuit tight on my ass and beginning to stick from the ruddy ooze.

Some guy in a suit shirt was standing at the edge of the pool, saying, "You can't go in there! There's a poisonous snake! We have to stop him!"

As two older men from the church advanced upon me I skipped up onto the diving board, feeling like a young child, or a diva, perhaps. The reek of sulfur and decay was detectable to me now, but my nose is attuned to such things. "You will never stop the serpent," I said, and dove into the water.

With my gut that full of teeming bacteria and an unwise mixture of liquids and solids, the impact on the water's surface was enough to start my colon pulsing, but I went further and gritting my teeth squeezed out with all my might, thinking of a toothpaste tube. Simultaneously, I began kicking in a breastroke style to cross the pool, still underwater from my dive.

A brown streak several feet wide followed me as my lower intestine cleared itself of fermenting waste.

When I came to the surface, I could hear a disappointed gasp from the children, and I took one quick look over my shoulder to see a murky brown wave spreading through the pool as an oil slick of grease trapping bits of partially digested hamburger rose to the surface. The stench was spectacular. The snake had found his way out through the filter and was heading for the tall grass at the far end of the lot. Church men were closing in. I heaved myself from the pool and broke into a run, their cries of dismay and disgust following me back into town.


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