Posted by Long Rambling Poster on November 14, 2005 at 17:03 [66.28.235.62]
I have only had two major relationships in my thirty odd years on this planet, partly because I didn't start dating until after graduate school and partly because my fantasies were clearly indicative of my fetish and I wasn't quite ready to deal with that. I didn't intend my first relationship to be fetish oriented, but whenever I feel vulnerable in itimate situations out pops the little girl in me. I remember the first night we slept in the same bed I was sucking my thumb, not because of the fetish but because I was so incredibly nervous about sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex (severely respressed non practicing Catholic tendancies aside). We broke up partly because he wasn't really into this dynamic but we are still very good friends. The second relationship, I thought I was doing the smart thing by meeting someone through a yahoo group for d/lg relationships. I figured that anyone who was into this kind of thing would recognize and even appreciate a deeper level of vulnerability in their partner. He certainly encouraged that vulnerability when it suited him and I reveled in being able to feel that way. There are two friends who know about my kink and I explained to them that the best that I could figure was that I recognized that my own father was certainly not someone on whom to pattern one's future partners and so rather than do that I wiped the slate clean by looking for a better person to fill that role. This isn't to say that either of my long term relationships were dominated by the daddy little girl dynamic. It really only came out preceding or following physical intimacy and I didn't always act that way even though I felt it inside. But the point that I am making is that no matter how I behaved on the outside which was most often as an intellectual sparring partner and equal, there was always that little girl inside. Now to the point of all this--when I found out my last boyfriend had been lying to me practically since we met and especially given the age difference between us, I felt and feel more betrayed than I had been by my own father. I recognize that there are many DG's who have great relationships with the men who helped create them, but what about those of us who are perhaps attracted to this kind of relationship, in fact can't seem to avoid them,because they give us brief snippets of what we never had when we really were five or six? How does knowing that they are in a sense fulfilling a very deep need that was never met make the man feel and how does the woman manage that incredible sense of vulnerability in what is, and cannot be anything but, a relationship between two adults who don't owe each other the kind of responsibility and devotion that exists between a parent and child?
And now do I get a present for the longest post ever?
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